I get a lot of frustrated emails from folks who tell me that there spouse is showing “absolutely no remorse” after being caught cheating or having an affair. Common comments that I get are things like: “maybe I’d want to save the marriage if I knew that he / she were sorry. But he / she isn’t sorry at all and has no remorse. I’m just as angry about the fact that they aren’t remorseful than the fact that they cheated.” Another common comment is “not only is he not sorry, but he’s throwing this back in my face as if HIS affair is MY fault. What is wrong with him?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article and will tell you why it often takes a while for the remorse to kick in.
The Lack Of Remorse For The Cheating Is Often A Means Of Self Preservation And A Continuation Of The Denial: Let’s think about this for a second. When a person begins the road toward cheating, there’s a lot of stop signs and considerations along the way. There are likely several times when the little voice inside their head asks them what they are doing and warns them that they’re about to cross the line. So, they are usually standing at a crossroads knowing deep in their hearts that what they’re doing (or about to do) is wrong, selfish, and hurtful. In order to move on and do it anyway, they have to come up with some way to justify their actions.
There are many ways that they will justify their cheating. They’ll tell themselves that they aren’t getting what they need at home. They’ll tell themselves that you don’t understand them. They’ll promise themselves that it will only be one time, has nothing to do with you, and that no one has to know or be hurt. They’ll fool themselves into thinking that no bad will come of this, because they’ll handle the issue and return to you as if nothing has ever happened.
As you can see, there’s a lot of lying to themselves happening. They either can’t or won’t see this for what it really is – their attempt to restore their self esteem and to feel on top and desirable again. Many people use an affair as a diversion or a smoke screen as to what is really going on inside them or what is really going on in their life. But, who wants to be honest about this and admit to themselves “I’m going to participate in the loathsome act of cheating on my spouse because I’m weak, selfish, insecure, and don’t like or respect myself very much right now.” As you can imagine, this kind of self talk is quite rare. No one wants to admit these things to themselves and even less people want to admit these things to their spouse.
So, in their own minds, they have to set it up so that the cheating is no big deal and they keep this charade up, even when they’re caught: “It’s no big deal. She didn’t mean anything to me. Why are you overreacting?” Deep down, they know these words are loathsome. They know they are lies. But, admitting this would be admitting that they were deeply wrong. And, they already taken the leap in their mind, way back when. Very few people are willing to do a complete 360 now. If they did, they’d have to admit what they’ve been trying to hide from themselves all along.
Often, Their Showing No Remorse After The Affair Is Their Attempt To Make It Go Away: I have so many people who email me and share with me how hard it is to see their spouse hurt this way. They never expected the reaction that they got. They assumed that there would never be caught or any repercussions (as ridiculous as this is.) So, it can really be a nightmare when they are trying to wade through the muck that their actions have caused. (Believe me, I know that it’s no picnic for you either.)
They want this all to go away as quickly as possible. So, they clam up. They don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to give you the details because they know once they do, you’ll only become angrier and more distant. They would rather avoid this and are making the mistake of remaining tight lipped and cold. They are very misguided by this, but as usual, their thinking is backwards.
Making It Very Clear That You Need To See Remorse To Move On: Often, before you see any remorse, you must demand it. You have to make it very clear that you will not entertain saving the marriage or consider moving forward until you know that he’s deeply sorry and that he understands exactly what this has done to you. Ask that he sit down and allow you to share with him what you’re feeling and what you need. Make it very clear that this is not going to begin to go away until he starts talking. He’s only delaying what must happen anyway and he needs to understand this.